Oh fuck.
I wake up early, feeling bright and beautiful. Day number 6 of waking up feeling amazing. I make my favourite breakfast - porridge with banana and a big dollop of Nutella. I connect my Spotify to the speaker and sing along to my favourite songs whilst I think about what makeup I’m going to do today. I wake my boyfriend and tell him I’m going to be colourful and glittery today. I spend a bit too much time with my makeup, swatching all the colours and glitters and being very particular about my application. I’m singing along, dancing a bit. I then rake through my drawers to find that one particular zebra print skirt I have a craving to wear, it’s April in Scotland, I got caught in hail stones yesterday. Can’t find the skirt, nothing else will suffice, I tear my room apart and finally remember that I have a whole cupboard I didn’t look through, bingo, it’s there. I pull that on, no tights just my pink trainers with a massive liquid blusher stain that I spilled on them yesterday, crop top. My boyfriend tells me it’s too cold for this outfit, I tell him to look at the sun it’s summer. Take a number of selfies and videos singing along to fun songs to upload to my instagram story. Head out the door with sunglasses on, my summer outfit and walk to town. Everything feels bright and beautiful, except the two people walking in front of me too slowly, I have no patience, I cross the road and carry on in my bubble. I spend some time in my studio painting in bold colours then go shopping and spend money, I pick up a water bottle to add to my collection of 10 that I never use, but of course I’ll use this one. Pick up another two sets of fake eyelashes to add to my massive collection, foundation and the 4th blusher this week. Oh I went in for socks and a blanket, I better not forget them, so I rushed to find them last as I was close to missing my bus. I spoke to the lady at the till for too long. Shit I have 4 minutes to get to the bus station. I run to the bus station and it’s started pissing with rain, quickly turning my light pink crop top see-through. I make it to the bus. I’m watching out the window, repeating the songs 365 & 365 remix by Charli xcx, they’ve been in my head for days, singing them over and over again. Get off the bus, I have a gp appointment I can’t be bothered attending but my gp is a great man, he knows me really well as I’ve been seeing him fairly regularly since 2019, he likes to keep a check on me. I walk to the appointment in the rain, still in my summer clothes, I don’t rush, I don’t put up the umbrella that’s in my bag, I just let the rain drops run down my face and get my clothes wet. I arrive, he runs 30 minutes late and I’m agitated I don’t want to wait any longer.
“Zoe I’m ready to take you now”
We chat, I tell him about my week, the excitement I have to make artwork, today is the 8th day in a row I’ve been to my studio, I tell him I have my spark back after a depression that’s had me signed off from work for 4 weeks. I tell him I’m going back to work next week and I’m excited to have my life back on track and that the depression feels like a distant memory and I’ve now cracked the code and it won’t happen again.
“Zoe your presentation today suggests you are experiencing another hypomanic episode, I need to contact your psychiatrist”
Oh fuck.